The Unbelievable Tales Of Tim Tebow

Timothy R. Tebow does not receive enough credit.

Man could erect a statue in his honor like  the Colossus of Rhodes, and it would not be fitting tribute to No. 15. A start would be Disney Corp. digging into its deep pockets to fund a 24-hour Tebow Network…unless Congress would take some contributions in exchange for more hours in the day, then it could be a 27-hour Tebow Network!

There could be no more fitting host for the Tebow Network than Skip Bayless, who I am not though I do thoroughly enjoy his work on ESPN First Take. His opinions are so well-reasoned and articulately stated, it’s almost frightening. Why, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to study how flawlessly he does it from the hours of First Take I have DVR’d.

And those biceps muscles! You can’t tell under my…excuse me, his fine suits, but those guns are sculpted through a steady regiment of whey protein and preacher curls. The only pair more beautifully crafted are Tim Tebow’s. One day, Skip and Tim will share a rep of triceps dips in the weight room and a after-workout shake at the juice bar, and a more perfect union there couldn’t be.

In due time…in due time. Until then, it’s magic enough watching those Herculean arm muscles throw a football. Tim’s work in Denver is finished. He led the hapless Broncos to the Playoffs single handed — literally single handed!  The epicenter of American media needed the center of the sports world. It was what every football-watching American was clamoring for, because now the full breadth of Tebowmania can be explored.

Sadly, Tim will not take snaps for the New York Jets in another four months. Worse yet, he won’t start until midway through, at which time he will lead the long-suffering Jets to their first Super Bowl championship — the first one doesn’t count because Joe Willie Namath was a nogoodnik. Tim will then have Mark Sanchez, another miscreant, banished to the Isle of Elba, and completely remove the F-word from Rex Ryan’s vocabulary. Is there anything he can’t hypothetical do! Rhetorically, yes.

The time Tim will unfairly spend on the sidelines is not conducive to the programming of Tebow Network, so in its infancy we…I’m sorry, Skip will need to rely heavily on classic footage. Fear not, fellow Tebowmaniacs! The archives are flooded with his many great works.

For the college football fan, we have the complete Florida collection, starting with his debut against the Georgia Bulldogs and Auburn Tigers in a handicap match. Cowardly Urban Meyer was afraid to schedule both simultaneously; an unwavering freshman Tim Tebow demanded it. What’s more, Tim demanded a time machine be constructed to bring Heisman era Herschel Walker and the Tecmo Bowl version of Bo Jackson into the game.

Tim displayed his versatility by passing for 458 yards and 17 touchdowns, and rushed for 501 yards with 25 touchdowns. But did you know Tim Tebow was a two-way star at Florida? It’s true! The Tebow haters in the media will try to hide that little fact from you, but not that handsome devil Skip Bayless.

Tim held Herschel Walker to -58 yards rushing and Jackson was a DNP (Player’s Decision: Scared of Tebow). Don’t believe it? Prove it didn’t happen.

Now, we all remember Tim Tebow as the starting and sole quarterback of the 2006 national champion Florida team. What you may not remember is that in the title game playing a 20-foot tall cyborg Woody Hayes, Tim Tebow thwarted the maniacal Buckeye coach’s plan for world domination by forming Voltron using real life lions he brought home from missionary work in Africa.

Tim Tebow’s speech after  a loss to Ole Miss in 2008 became his defining moment. All that is true…except the Tebow losing part. All he does is win, and the loss is just what Tebow haters would have you believe happened. Tebow losing to Houston Nutt? That’s as ridiculous as me being out-debated by Terrible Owens!

Wait, Skip Bayless being out-debated by Terrell Owens.

Ahem…after beating Ole Miss so severely the athletic department ceased hosting football, Tim Tebow threw a pass so powerful it moved time backwards like in the end of Superman: The Movie. Then in the past, Tim Tebow showed William Wallace a DVD of that very speech. The Scots went on to get whipped, but Wallace’s speech was pretty fantastic. Of course had Tebow hung around, the English would be eating haggis instead of crumpets  and drinking Glenlivet instead of Earl Grey.

And that would be because…you got it…ALL HE DOES IS WIN.

Bayless, out!