SaturdayBlitz.com is pleased to welcome back Texas Senatorial candidate Craig James* for his third guest column foray. James has taken on President Obama’s support of a playoff, the NCAA Tournament and today, he tackles Deadspin.com’s expose on former ESPN columnist Sarah Phillips.
*= might not actually be Craig James, but for $500 he’ll poll at 7 percent in a Twitter popularity contest
**= Also, this is definitely not Craig James. Celebrity likeness impersonated for satirical purposes..
Hoo, boy! If there’s anything that gets Craig James steamin’ mad, it’s some weakling thinking he can spot me when I do tire flips. I tell those pencil neck geeks the same thing I told Eric Dickerson at SMU: cash don’t leave a paper trail, and real men don’t use spotters.
You know what else makes Craig James hotter than fish grease in a bad, Amarillo diner? Misuse of ESPN properties. I owe a lot to ESPN — not as much as ESPN owes me. I took college football coverage to new heights with my TV-talkin’, a lot like I rushed in a Golden Age for SMU football. Plus it ain’t easy carrying Chris Fowler on your back. I don’t mean that in any sorta metaphor, I mean I would actually pick up and carry Chris Fowler from the bus to the stadium. It’s a darn good lat workout, fireman’s carrying a co-worker. That’s part of my Healthy Texas initiative, a secret weapon sure to send me shootin’ up the polls faster than an El Pasoan with a rattlesnake in his napsack.
And speaking of secrets, I’m awfully upset by this news of Erin Andrews doin’ all sorts of secretive stuff at ESPN. Hoo, boy!
The questionable background and email threats I’m fine with. What kinda world do we live in when it’s not acceptable to threaten people over email? I’d threaten Jesse over email daily to give me his chocolate pudding cup at lunch, or I’d steal his jean shorts. But he knew I was kiddin’, ’cause I always finished with “lol .”
That’s the one thing this Erin Andrews did right in this whole ordeal.
I’m saddened she was fired. Folks should only be fired for makin’ Adam sit in a field house during practice. But Erin, you did make a big mistake here. Instead of goin’ on Twitter, I can’t for the life of me figure out why she didn’t hire Spaeth Communications. I mean, I’m right there in the ESPN rolodex, darlin’! Moment that story comes out, you shoulda gave ol’ Craig a ring and I’da put you in touch with the Spaeth folks. They’d probably’ve given you a discount too, on a account of my being a good customer with ‘em.
We still got time to smooth this over for you, Erin. The ombudsman will go easy on you, so we’ll use that as a startin’ point. I do my best thinkin’ during tire flips, so we’ll bust out a few of those and that’s when the ideas will come. We’ll get you back on ESPN, and we’ll get me back on ESPN if somehow I don’t win this election.
Oh, and it might be a good idea if you officially move to Texas. I need every vote I can get.