What’s Next For Lane Kiffin?

Sep 28, 2013; Tempe, AZ, USA; USC Trojans head coach Lane Kiffin reacts during the first half against the Arizona State Sun Devils at Sun Devil Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

I’d like to think that during his initial stint with the USC Trojans, a young, weary-eyed Lane Kiffin took to the streets of Los Angeles in search of the best that the bustling L.A. street food community has to offer. The 26-year old always leaned towards the ethnic cuisines, and by the time he became a 30-year old passing game coordinator/co-OC for the Trojans, he considered himself a taco truck denizen.

But, in typical Kiffin fashion, ambition and a presumable desire for more street violence inside of his stadium (because… you know… Oakland) eventually led him to Oakland. But, the Oakland street truck game wasn’t on par and the San Francisco food game was always a little too pretentious for his inclination–not to mention the traffic on that damn bridge.

So, by the time Kiffin flamed out spectacularly with the Oakland Raiders–with a bandaged Al Davis (RIP) admonishing all things Lane Kiffin on his way out the door–it’d suffice to say that the evolving palate of Lane Kiffin was ready for a change anyway. That’s when he set his sights on the mom-and-pop barbecue shacks of the Southeastern Conference and the Tennessee Volunteers.

Six hours later, Lane Kiffin was already sick of ribs, preferring the freshness and spice of a perfect fish taco to the sweet-and-tangy world of East Tennessee (not to mention, they put Jack Daniels in EVERYTHING and Lane Kiffin is a notorious lightweight… allegedly) and he was going (going…) back (back…) to Cali (Cali…) with some oafish Cajun he picked up along the way.

The return to Southern California was exactly what the doctor ordered, and Lane Kiffin flourished back in the aloof L.A. food truck community once more. Only problem was, it turned out that he was a TERRIBLE football coach, earning the distinguished honor of becoming the first coach in history to lead his team from a preseason AP No. 1 ranking to an unranked finish.

So now, after Lane Kiffin was unceremoniously cast into the night–like literally kicked off the team bus with a wallet full of canceled company credit cards–and the oafish Cajun slid just as unceremoniously into the coveted “interim” head coaching position, the question for the offensive food prodigy is what’s next?

And I think the answer is all too clear.

It’s been rumored that Kiffin has a lucrative offer from Del Taco on the table as an assistant manager, and Lane Kiffin is so anti-establishment that he’s practically establishment, so he just might do it. But the ultimate goal is his own line of food trucks.

And, unlike trained chefs who work tirelessly to earn enough to start one truck and then eventually build their rolling food armadas, Lane Kiffin has managed to rook three institutions into paying him tens of millions of dollars to coach football (hahahaha) and he’s prepared to buy 20 trucks right now… straight cash.

By the time he hitchhiked back to his suburban Los Angeles mansion, he had already planned out half his menu, including his signature dish: The Kickin’ Lane Kiffin Chicken. So damn crazy, it’ll make a 76-yard Sebastian Janikowski field goal seem commonplace.

Maybe after the trucks become a huge success, he’ll open up a brick and mortar joint on La Brea… because Lane Kiffin does everything ass-backwards. And, hey, if it doesn’t work out, he can always just beg his dad to beg his boss to beg their boss to let him be a quality control assistant or a tight ends coach or something.

Lane Kiffin, unranked and unemployed in our hearts, but No. 1 in our stomachs.

Topics: Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders, PAC-12, SEC, Tennessee Volunteers, USC Trojans

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  • Ryan Wooden

    For real though, I bet Lane Kiffin makes a mean salsa con queso.

  • delashmit

    Drive in window at McDonalds for Lame Kiffin.

  • Chip

    Smarmy sidekick for the condescending Keith Olbermann. Peas in a pod.

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