Craig James Returns To Help Fill Out Your Bracket
By Kyle Kensing
Hoo, boy! It’s springtime once again in the greatest country on Earth,
the Republic of Texas
the good ol’ U-S-of-A, and that can mean only one thing — swimsuit season. Time to up the reps on my monster truck tire flips.
But it also means the Bowl Championship Series of Basketball is ’bout ready to start, and…what’s the name of this internet dealie again? SaturdayBlitz.com? That’s a stupid name. Shoulda named it Craig’s Quips…
Where was I? Ah, yeah, SaturdayBlitz.com asked me to come back since my last column was so dang popular, which why wouldn’t it be? These forearms have been chiseled like day-old steaks with my pappy’s trusty pocketknife, using the finest in dual rope bouncing workouts.
And these cultivated forearm muscles are prepped to write you up my picks for the Basketball BCS, which I guess is called the NCAA Tournament. The only thing I know about the NCAA is it sure can unfairly hassle a nice Texas boy who just wants to play football
and get paid in fine denims
. But I do know a thing or two ’bout sports, like every play every coach should call in every situation. Why every athletic director in the country hasn’t called me to run his team yet I can only attribute to conspiracy. I bet that darned Leach is behind it.
Memo to self: get that intern kid we hired for the Senate campaign to call up the PR firm and see ’bout wrangling up a lawsuit against Mike Leach for keeping me from getting every coaching opening in the last 10 years.
Now between my foreign affairs briefing of what’s going on in Odessa — it may not be foreign to America, but it’s sure foreign to me, ’cause I ain’t setting one foot in at dump — I read up on the bracket.
Hoo, boy! I haven’t come across a stinkier mess since that time Michael Carter forgot to courtesy flush before the Cotton Bowl. I don’t even know some of the names in this dang tournament. Most of ’em don’t even have football! How can you be any good at basketball without football? Let’s go down that list: Asheville. Saint Mary’s. Gonzaga, which I nearly fell outta my chair reading ’cause who names a school after another word for booby? And Vanderbilt.
How did all these no-football-having teams get in here? It’s as big a mystery to me as why Adam didn’t win the Heisman.
Then I saw New Mexico AND New Mexico State on there. The liberals have let our country’s immigration problem get so bad, Mexico has a new colony right here on US soil, AND a new state. See, this is why I’m running for Senate. If America has any decency left, these teams aren’t winning any championship.
I had to cross off all teams from the Big East, ACC and Pac-10 — I’ll be darned if I recognize 12 in that conference — because as you may have guessed from my Thursday night football commentary, I hate those leagues.
Texas has an advantage over everyone else because, well, they’re in Texas. But I also like anyone from the SEC. Tim Tebow played at Florida and that’s a mighty big advantage for those fellas. My good pal Jesse also played there, so my better judgment told me to pick the Gators.
My better judgment also told me to leave a job at ESPN to run for Senate with no political experience.
But after careful consideration, my pick to win the NCAA Basketball Tournament of the BCS is…
THE SMU MUSTANGS.
Hoooo, boy!
Celebrity likeness impersonated for satirical effect.