Hooooooo, boy! Things are sure heatin' up in the race to repr..."/> Hooooooo, boy! Things are sure heatin' up in the race to repr..."/> Hooooooo, boy! Things are sure heatin' up in the race to repr..."/>

SMU Fires Athletic Director, A Candidate Throws 10-Gallon Hat in the Ring

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Hooooooo, boy! Things are sure heatin’ up in the race to represent the Great Republic of the United States of Texas. Your favorite former star running back and TV analyst, current and forever monster truck tire flipper, and never-ever hooker killer is right in the thick of this thing!

But one thing I learned is you hafta have a back-up plan, ’cause crazy things happen like Adam not gettin’ drafted to the NFL. I’ve been on the phone with a whole heap of NFL GMs to get him a roster spot. If there’s anything I’ve figured out callin’ folks for campaign contributions, it’s that people like hangin’ up soon as you say, “Hi, I’m Craig James.” But it’ll take only one GM to hear me out, count on that!

Now, how to that back-up plan. Since I decided not to come back to TV on account of my former employer gave a certain bully MY Thursday night timeslot, and since my Senate bid is being unfairly sabotaged by hooligans, I need prospects. And what does fortune provide? THE prospect!

Say hello to SMU’s new athletic director!

Nothin’s official…yet. I mean, ya gotta let the body go cold before makin’ phone calls to replacements. But it’s only a matter of time. I put on my favorite American flag, Texas flag, Texas Lone Star, SMU Mustang, and Heathcliff lapel pins in anticipation of my big press conference.

And let me tell ya, I gotta whole long list of things we’re shakin’ up at the alma mater.

No. 1: Adam has lifelong eligibility. If the NCAA we won’t comply, then by golly we’ll do what Texas shoulda done when that good-for-nothin’ President got elected and secede! Also, we call dibs on Adam playing full-time quarterback. Not just for SMU, but both teams.

No. 2: The new basketball coach gets his tree-dwelling elves crackin’ on the cookie makin’. I can eat my share of Grasshoppers.

No. 3: New monster truck tires for the weight room. Y’know what? New monster truck tires for all the classrooms, too. I won’t stop ’til every man, woman and child to set foot on my campus has a monster truck tire of his or her very own.

No. 4: Instead of football helmets, the team wears cowboy hats. This is Texas!

No. 5: A new logo.

Those three units of graphic design I got finally came in handy! Hoo, boy!

Celebrity likeness impersonate for satirical effect.