Hollywood honors its best tonight at the Academy Awards. Such great films as Unforgiven, Amadeus, and The Godfather have been recognized with Oscars. That’s all well and good, but for football-heads there are glaring omissions.
The 2010 Academy Awards included The Blind Side in its nominees for Best Picture. Had the Academy been so open to mainstream popularity in decades prior, I’m sure The Program would have had a spot in the 1994 lineup *clears throat*.
Maybe not; OK, definitely not. But cinema has provided football fans with noteworthy characters who, were they to really take to the gridiron, would surely impress.
OFFENSE
Quarterback: Johnny Utah, Ohio State
Point Break
His pro career flamed out, thus forcing Johnny Utah to a much different career path. But before Utah was skydiving alongside bank robbers as an undercover FBI agent, he led the Buckeyes to the Rose Bowl.
Running Back: Darnell Jefferson, ESU
The Program
The freshman phenom overcame fumblitis to lead ESU to an emotional, season-ending victory and thus bowl berth. He couldn’t have done it without a key block from Ray Griffen, however. Griffen’s unlikely support gives Jefferson a solid foundation to his college career — and Autumn Haley’s tutelage won’t hurt from keeping him eligible.
Offensive Line:
Bud Lite Kaminski, ESU
The Program
On a turmoil riddled team, Bud Lite Kaminski was a rare rock of stability — both on the field and off it. His cheerful songs set an ominous juxtaposition for the mayhem the Timberwolves were about to unleash.
Actor Abraham Benrubi was perfectly cast in this role, standing a legimitate 6-foot-7 and weighing over 300 pounds. My only beef was that Paramount distributed this film, and not FOX. Had it been the latter, FOX could have introduced some crossover with Kaminski instead cast as Larry Kubiac: the Santo Domingo Flamingo from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.
Manumana, Texas State
Necessary Roughness
His size would make Manumana an immovable force at center. He was also the self-appointed bodyguard of kicker Lucy Draper, who helped him overcome his fears about properly snapping.
Lawrence, LSU
Everybody’s All-American
The Gallopin’ Ghost Gavin Grey electrified LSU Tiger fans with breakaway touchdown rushes long before Brandon Jacobs, Joseph Addai or Spencer Ware. But Grey did so with his big lineman Lawrence opening holes for him. Lawrence and Gavin shared a tight bond
DEFENSE
Defensive Tackle: Fred Palowakski (“Ogre, you asshole“), Adams College
Revenge of the Nerds
Ogre likely isn’t the smartest player. OK, there’s no “likely” about it. But he was a physical presence on an Adams Atoms team that had designs on a bowl game heading into the big Homecoming game. Indeed, he had no shortage of intensity.
If the same violent tendencies Ogre displayed around campus were any indication, he would have been a nearly unblockable force rushing off the line. (Sidenote: Revenge of the Nerds was filmed at the University of Arizona. The Alpha Beta fraternity house burned down in the opening scene is actually Agriculture majors’ fraternity Alpha Gamma Rho and still stands today, just off high-traffic Euclid and University, and a block from the college home of yours truly).
Defensive End: Greg Meaney, University of Louisiana
The Waterboy
With a mug like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s and a tenacity like Whitney Mercilus, Greg Meaney was a foundation for UL head coach Red Beaulieu’s ill-fated title aspirations (Beaulieu was played by the great Jerry Reed, most notable for his role in Smoky and The Bandit).
Defensive End: Andre Krimm, Texas State
Necessary Roughness
The Armadillos’ surprising season was largely the result of quarterback Paul Blake and his equally surprising remaining NCAA eligibility. But Texas State needed defense to back that offense. Wisecracking Andre Krimm had perfect size at defensive end. His motor his questionable, but
Defensive Tackle: Steve Lattimer, ESU
The Program
A controversial place at the table, Steve Lattimer was proven ineffective when off the needle. However, lapses in the drug testing program just might let the hulking lineman add an element of violence and intimidation needed.
Linebacker: Bobby Boucher, South Central Louisiana State
The Waterboy
The soft spoken waterboy Bobby Boucher became an All-American linebacker by unleashing his anger on the football field. Boucher tackled at a pace that would impress Luke Kuechly, and did so with fury. Anytime a defender can incorporate professional wrestling moves into his repertoire, it’s a good thing.
Linebacker: Alvin Mack, ESU
The Program
Before blowing out his knee, Alvin Mack was a shark in the Frank Alexander mold. Mack would take himself psychologically to dark places, like the aforementioned Boucher — but what a much, much darker place.
Cornerback: Stefan Djordjevic, Cal Poly
All The Right Moves
The audience is not privy to Djordjevic’s college career, but following his high school head coach Nickerson across the country from Ampipe, Pa. to California’s Central Coast, he had an immediate fit with the new defense. Djorjevic and Nickerson had their ups and downs at Ampipe, but their reconciliation could only mean good things for the Mustangs.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Returner: Forrest Gump, Alabama
Forrest Gump
“Run, Forrest, run!”
Crimson Tide fans joined in Jenny’s urges of the Greenbow, Alabama native to sprint like the wind. Forrest Gump was Tyrann Mathieu or Sammy Watkins in his era. Forrest Gump is also the only film on this list to actually be anywhere near the conversation of an Academy Award.
Kicker: Lucy Draper, Texas State
Necessary Roughness
The soccer standout turned barrier-shattering star of the Texas State Armadillos Lucy Draper is a no-brainer selection for this lineup.
RECRUITS
Johnny Walker, QB
Johnny Be Good
The talented Johnny Walker is on every universities’ radar despite having a physique that makes Tyler Bray look like Hulk Hogan. He can thank his golden arm and All-American demeanor for the attention. I just worry about his association with 1980s Robert Downey, Jr.
Lance Harbor, QB
Varsity Blues
Lance Harbor’s knee injury raises a red flag, but if Florida State opened his commitment, he’s a worthwhile get. Perhaps package him with Tweeder — but watch out for Tweeder’s off-field antics.