ESPN Analyst Mark May Has The World’s Greatest Twitter Feed

Blessed art thou, Twitter.

For as long as we can remember, two or three weeks… maybe a few years. I’m not sure, but for either quite awhile or absolutely no time at all, depending on who you ask, Twitter has been our outlet. We find solace in references so obscure that they’d make Adam Reed spontaneously combust. It’s also a place where we can find things both stupid and glorious and sometimes even gloriously stupid… a.k.a Mark May.

He dropped this gem on Thursday night.

Underneath the obtrusive grammar errors and general piousness, there’s a point being made, but given the context of who Mark May is and everything else he’s ever tweeted, it’s pretty absurd.

Let’s break it down by segments.

Just…

Good start. Actually a word, spelled right, the capitalization is where it needs to be. Not bad.

Just a…

An article. Marvelous. Here comes the noun.

Just a checking…

Uh oh. Bit of a curveball, but like Mark May likes to say, “I have fat fingers. Sue me.” We’ll toss him a line here and say that the ‘a’ was just an aberration. He’s just checking something. Let’s find out what.

Just a checking my…

He has something. He’s checking it. Could be a watch. Could be an email. Could be a wart. Whatever it is, he owns it and it exists.

Just a checking my integrity meter…

Threw those two words in there as one because for all intents and purposes, this is one thing. However, we’ve got other issues. Don’t know what an integrity meter is. Obviously, it’s apparently a way to measure integrity, but is it like a fuel gauge? Is there a full and an empty? Or is it more like a thermometer that you stick in an orifice of your choosing to measure the morality of a man? Let’s just skip ahead a bit and maybe he’ll explain.

Just a checking my integrity meter didn’t know you could give out 12-0 rings when your on probation or banned from bowls…

Oh boy. Oh jeez. I um… There’s a lot going on here. I feel like I may have skipped too far. He didn’t explain the integrity meter thing. He just sort of went on the world’s shortest rampage. It’s like skipping 140 pages of a Dan Brown novel. You saved yourself a boatload of time and agony by jumping, but now you’re not gonna have a damn clue about the plot. Yeah, I definitely went too far, but we’re here now, so let’s go.

There’s a compelling lack of punctuation that you’d expect from a 13-year old, so you’d reasonably expect similar of May, and then there’s the #your problem, but it’d be childish to rip on all of that. I mean, who expects a grown man with a college degree to speak and write in his native tongue at a reasonably proficient level anyways?

Once you look past those honest mistakes, it appears as if Mr. May is mad that the Ohio State Buckeyes have taken their own money to commemorate their perfect season in 2012 with a ring. Okay, Ohio State is currently restricted from participating from bowls and are under the watchful eye of the morally steadfast NCAA. Mark May is correct about that.

However, if I recall correctly, the NCAA didn’t shut the program down. Ohio State played a full regular season’s worth of games and won them all. That seems like an accomplishment worthy of commemoration. As long as the rings say perfect season and not “Rose Bowl Champs” or “Undisputed Intergalactic Football Champions of the Universe,” they should be good. Actually, scratch that, SaturdayBlitz.com (Disclaimer: The thoughts in this column are reflective of the columnist and not SaturdayBlitz.com or FanSided) has just officially named Ohio State the Undisputed Intergalactic Football Champions of the Universe.

Regardless, I just don’t know what in the world Mark May’s integrity meter has to do with Ohio State’s affinity for Jostens. Whatever. Let’s move on.

Just a checking my integrity meter didn’t know you could give out 12-0 rings when your on probation or banned from bowls..just a thought

This is absolutely a thought. It’s the Morris Marina of thoughts, but it’s a thought doggoneit, and I’m so glad that you had it, Mr. May. Because the egregiousness of this particular thought opened us up to an entire world of Mark May on Twitter that we appeared to be unaware of.

May has the coveted blue check mark and over 65,000 followers, and luckily for us, he’s only tweeted 880 times. Meaning, it’s very simple to peruse them all the way back to the beginning of his handle’s existence. And there are some doozies. I’d encourage you to take the time to check them out. EDSBS RT’d some of the best ones. So did SmartFootball.

Mark May has made a name for himself by being so deliberately contrary on television (on ESPN of all places, shocker), that it’s hard to take him seriously, but Twitter seems to take his outlandishness to a new level. Perhaps it’s because it lacks the context of his big “Hey I’m Working Lou Holtz Into A Slobbery Smiley Rage” grin and those pretentious glasses. To be honest, I don’t really care.

This is my favorite thing since #FireCraigJames.