Bret Bielema Is Kinda Burly And He’ll Fight You, Tim Brewster

Dec 1, 2012; Indianapolis, IN, USA; Wisconsin Badgers head coach Bret Bielema during the Big Ten championship game against the Nebraska Cornhuskers at Lucas Oil Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

If Bret Bielema were the villain in a country western, he’d be the one who hovered over you while you were on the ground writhing in pain, having just been beaten by a gang of rough and tumble types. Then he’d deliver that one final blow–a devastating snap kick right in the kisser that knocks loose a couple teeth and turns the lights out.

Don’t believe me? Just ask Tim Brewster.

In 2010, when Brewster and Bielema stood across from each other in the Battle of Paul Bunyan’s Axe, the nation’s longest-running rivalry game, Bielema’s Wisconsin Badgers overmatched Brewster’s Minnesota Golden Gophers in every conceivable way. Late in the fourth quarter, a Wisconsin touchdown made the score 41-16 in Bielema’s favor, but the former Iowa Hawkeyes nose guard wouldn’t stop there.

He went for two–SNAP KICK–and, needless to say, Tim Brewster was angry. Even worse, not long after that, Tim Brewster was fired.

Now, Brewster is on Jimbo Fisher’s staff at Florida State, and last night, for no particular reason, he decided to take a slap at the SEC.

Now, there’s nothing particularly wrong with what Brewster is saying. He’s prideful of his Florida State Seminoles and he’s trying to convey that scrappy, underdog, “WHY I OUGHTAAA” mentality that coaches love to imbue upon teams regardless of whether or not they just won a BCS bowl.

I suppose the SEC is his target because, “You gotta beat the best to be the best,” or some other silly old adage to that effect. Alright, Tim Brewster… Florida State. We got you. You’re not afraid of anyone.

But, then again, maybe the SEC was Brewster’s target because of some lingering bad blood between himself and Bret Bielema. That’s speculative at best, but, regardless, Bret Bielema, who is now the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, felt slighted and simply couldn’t resist an opportunity to scoff at poor Timmy B.

And make no mistake about it, Bret Bielema–like TBS–knows comedy. LET’S CALL THOSE HOGS!!!

Now, we could sit here and lambaste these two adults–grown-ass men, if you will–for behaving like petulant teenagers, but that’d be awfully pious and, quite frankly, dumb. Instead, we here at SaturdayBlitz.com (and by we, I mean me and only me) encourage these two to air their grievances more publicly.

Perhaps they could #EmbraceDebate? Maybe they’ll take out full-page ads in each other’s local newspapers.

Brewster can photoshop Bret Bielema’s face into a screenshot of a LizHoney video. Bielema, on the other hand, could MS Paint some missing teeth and a black eye on Tim Brewster’s lazily cut out head and make it look like he was blasting him with a rubber mallet. The caption could say, “Whack-a-Gopher.”

Like Whack-a-Mole… but with a Gopher. Get it?

Or, if passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t play to your more violent sensibilities, maybe we could just strip them of shirts and lather them up for a good ole-fashioned bare-knuckle brawl. It’s a classic matchup. Barrel-chested Bret Bielema versus the boxier physique of Tim Brewster.

Smart money is on Bielema. He looks like he’s not one to shy away from a dust-up, but, then again, Tim Brewster sort of has a “Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket” thing going on, so who knows?

What I do know is that I–as a feeble-minded carnivore–would be thoroughly entertained. Throw Gordon Gee in there against any Catholic Priest in the greater Boston area, and you’d have a card that I’d happily pay $59.99 for.