Masik Collegiate Fragrances Take Optimistic Look At Smells Of The SEC
By Ryan Wooden
Mandatory Credit: Kevin Liles-USA TODAY Sports
Have you ever been standing in the middle of an SEC campus on a college football Saturday and wondered to yourself, “What if somebody could bottle the way this smells? Wouldn’t it be marvelous to just spritz yourself in some of this from time to time and illicit the fond memories of Saturdays in the South?”
Well, if you have, you’re in luck. That’s because Masik Collegiate Fragrances has just released a few new scents based upon SEC schools.
All totaled, Masik now carries six SEC fragrances (Florida, Alabama, Auburn, Tennessee, LSU and Georgia), and if you’re looking to recreate some of the non-vomit waftings of a college football Saturday, $60 will get you 3.4 fluid ounces of the school of your choice. I’m a little bit disappointed that none of the fragrances they sell feature “Barbecue” in any machination, as that’s one of the only truly pleasant smells associated with college football Saturdays in the SEC.
However, credit to Masik’s scent sommeliers for really taking an optimistic outlook on life in the SEC. Unfortunately, I don’t remember smells as delightful as the ones they describe.
Here are some of the real smells of the SEC:
Alabama Crimson Tide:
Less than a mile to the north of Bryant-Denny Stadium, the Black Warrior River sends a shot of muddy river water humidity right into the face of over 92,000 people not-so-comfortably (yet, still all-too-delighted) corralled to watch Alabama mercilessly destroy some FCS school on a hot late-August or early-September day. Needless to say, the sweat of Tuscaloosa residents is particularly pungent when the pheromones of football season are coursing through their veins. Unfortunately, it’s hard to pull that kind of smell out of Houndstooth. Local grocers capitalize by selling Renuzit by the gallon on Sundays.
Kentucky Wildcats:
Masik Collegiate Fragrances doesn’t make a Kentucky line yet, but when they do, it has to smell like the inside of a dirty pair of overalls, right?
Georgia Bulldogs:
You know what the best way to prove that you’re more frat than that other frat sitting next to you is? Throw a blazer over the top of your vomit covered undershirt and go sit in close-quarters with all your other obnoxiously drunk, blazer-wearing friends. Find the douchiest-smelling frat of them all, and I can almost assure you at least half of the section will still find Adam Sandler movies hilarious.
LSU Tigers:
The fact that over 90,000 people even make it into Tiger Stadium by the time a six o’clock kickoff rolls around is a miracle, but if you can walk from your tailgate to your seat without getting somebody else’s bodily fluids on you, the United States Army will actually commission you as a mine field technician. Baton Rouge must have a real “this town is just one big urine trough” kind of vibe.
Tennessee Volunteers:
If there’s two things we love in Tennessee, it’s football and forensic science. So it just makes sense that while well over 100,000 people take to the streets of Knoxville around Neyland Stadium and into the Fort Sanders area on Saturdays in the fall, there’s human flesh rotting somewhere in the distance (in the name of science, of course). However, that smell was only enhanced when they let Derek Dooley’s bloated corpse just sit there on the sideline for the last eight weeks of the 2012 season.
Florida Gators:
URBAN MEYER’S PROGRAM SMELLED LIKE CANNABIS AND CORDITE, BUT THAT’S ALL IN THE PAST BECAUSE WILL MUSCHAMP IS ACTUALLY JUST TERRY CREWS FROM THOSE OLD SPICE COMMERCIALS IN A DISGUISE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! FLORIDA… BEST SMELLING PROGRAM IN THE SEC!!!!!!!
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Personally, I don’t know if Masik Collegiate Fragrances was trying to recreate the smells of college football or just to recreate the scents of the campus itself, but when I think of the SEC, I think of football, and when I think of football, I think of tailgating. Unfortunately, unless you’re within an arm’s length of a smoker, there’s just not much olfactory satisfaction to be had at a tailgate. After all, it’s tens of thousands of people in confined spaces slowly surrounding themselves in their own trash.
I get nostalgic thinking about spending my day with good friends and drinking and screaming until my lungs give out, but I can go without the reminder of that one time I saw a girl relieving herself in the trunk of a stranger’s car. That just might be the most SEC fragrance of all.
Roll Tide.