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Ole Miss football: A eulogy for the Black Bear mascot

By Charles Evans

OXFORD, MS - OCTOBER 4: Rebel, The Black Bear, mascot of the Ole Miss Rebels during a game against the Alabama Crimson Tide on October 4, 2014 at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium in Oxford, Mississippi. (Photo by Joe Murphy/Getty Images)
OXFORD, MS - OCTOBER 4: Rebel, The Black Bear, mascot of the Ole Miss Rebels during a game against the Alabama Crimson Tide on October 4, 2014 at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium in Oxford, Mississippi. (Photo by Joe Murphy/Getty Images) /
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Ole Miss football has decided to do away with their poor Black Bear mascot after seven years of service.

Ole Miss football will have a sombre tone this week. Sadly, the short life of the Ole Miss Black Bear has come to an end. After seven years of loyal service Ole Miss decided that it’s time to put the Black Bear down in all sports harbored in Oxford.

The Black Bear wasn’t rabid and hadn’t stolen any pic-a-nick baskets, yet the Ole Miss administration has decided to put the bear to rest.

It was in the year 2010 A.D. when Ole Miss decided to replace their beloved old crippled plantation owner with a hipster mustache from before the Civil War with a new, more modern mascot that could help the University of Mississippi enter the 1900s.

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The bear wasn’t the only mascot Ole Miss considered of course; they also considered a faceless, genderless cross between a Cirque du Soleil contortionist and the Demogorgon from Stranger Things called ‘Hotty Toddy’ and a Landshark. These two options were not chosen because they were really f**king weird and stupid.

Ole Miss students were allowed to vote on the options and the Black Bear was chosen; again because the other options were really f**king weird and stupid. Lately, however, the University of Mississippi has decided that no decision is too f**king weird and stupid so despite the votes of the students back in 2010, per the Clarion-Ledger, the Landshark will rise again.

Ole Miss football has been led for the last few years by college football’s own Tammy Faye Baker in Hugh Freeze. Freeze was a sweet Christian man who only wanted to win football games and help lead people to the Lord from the missionary position.

Obviously, with the NCAA (and possibly strip club owners from Tampa) coming after them, Ole Miss is on a quest to distance themselves from Hugh Freeze, or as his lady friends know him “the Reverend Iceman.”

Ole Miss has a two-part plan for remaking their image that involves both replacing their mascot and getting the crap kicked out of them by everyone they play.

Stage one of this elaborate plan was put into action when Ole Miss went back to using their classic “just play dead, it works for possums, it could work for us” defense against Alabama. Part two of the plan unfortunately involves treating the Black Bear mascot like Old Yeller.

Every year millions of mascots are lost, please donate to the SPCA.

Despite everything the Black Bear has done for Ole Miss, and despite sharks having a very poor average lifespan when placed on land, the decision has been made. When the Black Bear came to Oxford, Ole Miss was a backwards university that still clung to the traditions of the 1800s.

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Now as we lay the Black Bear to rest Ole Miss is a university set squarely in the 1900s, with a somewhat weak understanding of marine biology. Despite being three hundred miles from the sea Ole Miss is officially going to be the Landsharks. The Black Bear is dead, long live the baby blue Landsharks.

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