From a lifelong SEC fan
Brian Kelly, you now join the ranks of the overpaid fired college football coaches. One of the most coveted job titles in the world. Enjoy the vacation. Make it as long as you'd like, no one will miss you, we promise.
You'll be tempted, we're sure, to apply for a head coach job at one of several SEC openings -- Arkansas, Florida, probably Auburn, maybe South Carolina or Kentucky. It's even possible that you'll turn your eyes to Oxford if Lane Kiffin decides to go play in the swamp, or to CoMo if some smart big-time program nabs Eli Drinkwitz.
Please allow the neighborly citizenry of the SEC to save you some time. Don't bother. The welcome mat is pulled, and you've used up your allotment of southern hospitality.
This isn't even about your coaching (which, to be honest, is kinda suspect), this is about you basically being incompatible with the SEC.
You just rub folks the wrong way, and have a ... well...phoniness about you that just don't sit well with SEC culture. Starting with your hideously sickening fake Cajun accent, to your cringy attempt at an MTV-esque video, and your red-faced press conferences with staged fits of rage.
The recruit Brian Kelly danced with just committed to Alabama 😂pic.twitter.com/uOjPRISjZi
— The Home of FAIR PLAY™ (@FanaticsBook) February 2, 2022
None of that flies in SEC country, not even a little.
LSU was willing to cut you some slack because you brought decent credentials, and they felt like maybe you'd gotten a bad rap at Notre Dame. Turns out bad rap was what you were all about. Four seasons later, the buyer's regret sank in, and the good ol' boys in Baton Rouge started digging for their lemon law documents.
It's not personal, coach. You just weren't a fit at LSU, and you won't be a fit anywhere else in the SEC. Round peg, square hole. Polar opposites. Oil and water. You get the idea.
You've made two stops at places where football is religion and where coaches are not judged by win percentage, but by recruits, rings, and titles accumulated. Sideline tirades, and abusive behavior towards players are only tolerated when you add hardware to the trophy case. So far, all you've managed to add are participation trophies.
It's time to go back to a comfortable "big fish in a little pond" type situation like you had at Cincinnati, or maybe to another Power program that's in complete rebuild mode and will be happy with 9–10 wins a year.
We hear Wisconsin might have an opening soon. Oregon State? There's a reclamation project in a once-proud conference. You could possibly stand tall in that pond. UCLA, Virginia Tech, UCLA, Oklahoma State - the possibilities outside the SEC are endless, and you'd probably be welcomed.
Just tip your hat, pack your linguistic tapes, give one last exaggerated smirk and slip quietly out of the conference...kind of like Jim McElwain.
It's been nice having you stay for a while, coach, but you've overstayed your welcome. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Uber is on us.